EDIT: I am the biggest idiot. [3/21/35] Do not be fooled.

LESSON ONE: Proverbs 24:1-22 I've been envying, or wondering, why my life keeps falling apart while others who don't have God around seem happier, which to me was always defined by: better year long relationships. I don't know what I asked to get this verse, I just know it's in relation to the thought I just brought up.
Avoid Envying the Wicked (Verses 1-2, 19-20) "Even if they seem to succeed, their future is doomed— the lamp of the wicked will be put out."
Not that these people are inheretly evil, but not having God leads you there. Things aren't as they seem and they never will be even if you wish really hard. And you know, the things I desire are possible otherwise I just wouldn't have the desire. So I don't need to be wicked to have a loving, lasting relationship. The things I desire, "a home (life, family, stability) is built through wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, not through wickedness." So the envy has no more power, nor the thought.
I think God was testing him because "If you give up when times get tough, it shows a lack of inner strength. True character is tested in hard times." I know God wouldn't want me to be with people who just give up, especially if He never does on me.
A righteous person may fall multiple times but will always rise again—unlike the wicked, who fall permanently.

3/14/25 - LESSON TWO: Amos 4:5 Seek me and live. Amos 4:6 They sinned, evil, idols, etc. Despite following tradition, it did not matter to the Lord, as it was false. but He is offering repentance in Amos 5. Amos 5:14 "Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you"
The verse(s) that stuck out to me the most:
You put off the day of disaster and bring near a reign of terror. 4 You lie on beds adorned with ivory and lounge on your couches. You dine on choice lambs and fattened calves.
5 You strum away on your harps like David and improvise on musical instruments.
6 You drink wine by the bowlful and use the finest lotions, but you do not grieve over the ruin of Joseph.
7 Therefore you will be among the first to go into exile; your feasting and lounging will end.

Randomly reminded me of; Judges 10:14. ESV Go and cry out to the gods whom you have chosen; let them save you in the time of your distress." NIV Go and cry out to the gods you have chosen. Let them save you when you are in trouble!" Then Amos replied to Amaziah, "I am not a prophet, nor am I the son of a prophet; for I am a herdsman and a grower of sycamore figs." He was just someone God has chosen, it's cool o think about God uses, literally anyone for His greatness <3

There is deep fear in my heart for the punishment of those who don't apologize or feel remorse. I know someone who doesn't feel remorse for varying degrees of lust. Because of

Luke 8:17

For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.

Soon the closed, hidden jar is going to burst, glass will be everywhere, and the pain for everyone involved is terrible, unbearable. God is a just God, a loving God, but I had fear in my heart reading Amos and how upset God is at these people for their sins. I do not wish this upon anyone. I do not allow myself to get excited at the pain of someone I once loved. I want to allow what happens, I do not want the jar to cut others or the person. I trust Him so the fear is less. It's just the wakeup this person needs, not the cruelty the devil deserves. It's scary, because this person's name was something about corrupting the Garden of Eden. satan literally did that. he is sick so sick. I do not hate my enemy, I pity him. You offer nothing but pain compared to God's love, you have to trick and hurt others to get them to follow you. You make them worship the one thing humanity loves more than lust, themselves, while God challenges you to care about more than just yourself, you care about the rest of the world's life. satan, study me as much as you want, listen to my prayers and try to twist whatever you wish. The righteous get up 7 times while the sick stay down and clearly each time you try to use something against me it gets known by the Lord and gets worked through. Why don't you want God? You always lose because goodness prevails, even if it seems slow. You will eventually be defeated, you have no kingdom for the souls you drag with you. you are nothing but a prisoner of yourself. Do you know how utterly sad that is? This is absolutely connected to lesson one, I hope this individual is not truly wicked, who fall permanently. Please get back up, that is the scariest thing to me.

This will not follow the previous format because it's not about my Bible study. Like God, the sin is what i should be upset with, its the sin devouring his heart and that isn't who God wants him to be. I got called schizophrenic for literally HEARING Him say this to me. When God speaks to you it's in feelings and revelations that align with His word, and this ABSOLUTELY DOES! It does not hurt my feelings anymore at least to be questioned, it just sucks people assume you're schizophrenic for a very real thing. If they sought out God, theyd hear Him as well.
What slightly annoys me is when people try to mansplain the Bible to you when they are not very versed in it. It isn't out of pride, but I just feel defensive. I know what I'm currently practicing, you know nothing. What do you mean I shouldn't forgive someone for being completely devoured by sin? But maybe he's right about how God speaks through to you from people, which I already believed but now I just see the devil everywhere. On tiktok (I hear the sighing) there was something that said you'll now see all the evil that surrounds you. I do. I'm not supposed to tell others my good deeds, good news, but I told people news. I have said my good deeds before and felt upset by the surprise the person had? Yes, I love my friends. I will give them everything I have. What do you mean it's weird to feel good about providing for others? I hope I didn't seem like I was bragging, far from it. I love them and will give them in fact more than they ask for if I had the means.

3/15/25 - LESSON THREE: Psalm 40:11-13, 41:12 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. 16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The Lord is great!” 17 But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.
I know that you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me. 12 Because of my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.

I am a little confused, because I use the NKJV then look at different translations online for this. But what I had originally wrote down in my notebook was about how evilness will never win for I am Christ's beloved and I think that is still in relation to the previous, and makes me slightly twinge in fear for my future. I don't think any evil will happen to me. I don't fear anything anymore.

Random note, but I used to be terrified of the dark, then I grew out of it. Then it came back, the irrational fear of demons and the darkness because I cannot see in it. But Jesus is the light, and now I no longer fear it. I sat in my dark room for three days, fine.

3/16/25 - LESSON FOUR: Isaiah 40
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.” 6 A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?” “All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

The Lord is something beyond our understanding, without end nor a beginning. He was always. His understanding is something we often do not understand, and when we try, it confuses us because we overcomplicate it as humans. All we need to know is that, He is beyond our understanding, and was always. He does not get tired, weary, His understanding is something we also cannot understand. We do not understand His timing either, or why He does 'nothing'. But if you have hope, belief, faith, even the smallest amount of faith, you can move entire mountains. God sent Jesus to the world, He died for us to have the option to follow Him for eternal life in our death. Hope in Him renews us, we will not get tired and we will grow beyond what we thought was possible.

I do not enjoy how these lessons are all about wickedness in some way, I have a little bit of fear. The verse I've read, psalm 17:13, is about being saved by the Lord from the wicked. I am concerned for the wicked. My women's class touched on patience and hope, so I hope that the wickedness does not overtake me and that the situation comes to pass.

I know that God forgave me for my sins, even that one I've been torturing myself over. I think the devil was poking at me to feel shame for something in my past, which does not exist.

3/24/25 - I've read some John, Esther, and IMBeggar. I tried to organize and design my Bible, but I ripped some end pages and I feel horrible about that!!!! AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! I also noticed the devil poked at me with some things, like my security, what I'm 'failing' to do, etc.
Yesterday God put it in my heart to look into the story of Esther, I remember the Veggietales version of it, it's very dear to my heart. Then I listened to an audiobook about Esther, and after taking a shower today I realized why it's been in my heart to think about it. Esther was afraid to do the right thing, she procrastinated it twice then when she finally told her husband, the King, that Haman was going to destroy her and her family, he killed Haman and his family instead. I'm afraid to tell my friends about God sometimes, He really is all I talk about or post about. I'm worried they think I'm pretending. I do try to live by Him and His Word but I'm worried others can't tell. I'm worried I'm being lied to. I can tell my own progress, I fight the superiority I feel and the judgement for those doing sin. I need to learn how to correct sinners properly, but I am the biggest hypocrite. I fear discouraging others from God for what I need to work on. When I confronted my friend on renouncing God because of some believer who did not properly care for her troubles, she took it well and it seemed to help her a lot as she's considering church. I know it was God's doing and not mine, merely a vessel for Him so I should remind myself of that, the urge is often not mine alone. I fear being the believer that discourages others. This experience has also reminded me that God is not far. I can hear His "I love you"s clearly but I'm disappointed I cannot hear anything else. But He does not speak to you only in words. This page is mostly for future me to look back on with love, so excuse the mess. It'll stay a mess. I don't want to change the editing mistakes of my past, it's charming and cute to me. I love me, in the least egotistical way. When I think of my past I see her as her own being even though she is entirely me. Sweet girl, I love you. Future me, I love you. Keep chasing God because that's all I want.

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